A Horrible Thing that Needs to Die

The only thing I hate more than singing the Happy Birthday Song is having the Happy Birthday Song sung to me. But check this out. Today is Brian's birthday and the freak completely gets off on the song. Like it was the first time that anyone in the world at any time had ever sung that song to anyone on their birthday. He stood there with his trademake shit eating grin, conducting us like were were his own freakin' personal Oompah band. He seemed very pleased, which for Brian always has a sinister edge. Is it a gorilla thing or a Brian thing? Then he went and did another thing I hate. With his uncanny aplomb for overkill he made a huge deal over cutting the cake and insisting that everybody have a piece, I hate cake. No, I despise cake. The very thought of cake makes me go into diabetic shock. So having a 450 pound gorilla shoving a piece of the stuff in my face did not put me in the best of spirits. I took it of course and and tried to give it to Brad but apparently he hates cake too. He also mentioned that we have another thing in common... that he and i are both ungulates. I wonder if he was referring to this past Monday when I was such a jerk to him. I had said to Tracy, the giraffe in the mailroom, that "us ungulates gotta stick together." At the time, I was so put off with Brad that I had forgotten tapirs are ungulates as well. I had thought he was out of earshot. But I could have been mistaken. He also said he had something for me and that he'd bring it in tomorrow. I'm curious...