Wait for it!

How do I explain this to him? Yesterday Brad said he had something he was going to bring me , and bring something he did! Three neon pumpkin-orange t-shirts with “It’s an ungulate thing, you wouldn’t understand” written in black capital letters on the back. One for him, one for Tracy and one for little old me. The blinding orangeness I could handle, and I didn’t even mind the sentiment, derivative as it is, but I just can’t wear clothes that have writing on them. It freaks me out. I’m a really private guy and I don’t dig waving my personal business or opinions about in public. Even brand name stuff gets me. I mean, I already had to pay for the damn thing and now you want me to go around hocking your wares for you . Do your own damn work…ya screw. My aunt Brenda got me a Tommy Hilfiger jacket last year for my birthday and I covered up the name with duct tape. She was furious. She knows me better than that. She knows I don’t go for that sort of crap. God, even thinking about it raises my bile. Ug. Well it’s pretty clear Brad is deeply proud of this dubious accomplishment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of it. I was going to talk to Stan (the head art director) about Steve’s shitty designs for the Garanimal knockoff line. I can’t imagine going into his office wearing “It’s an ungulate thing, you wouldn’t understand” and preaching to him about aesthetic no-nos. I told Brad that I had a meeting with Stan later on and it would be unprofessional to wear a t-shirt in front of him. Then Brad said that maybe Stan would like it and give me a raise. Brad has this magical ability to quietly, effortlessly make you feel like a real heel when you’re trying to get out of something. And then I thought of it. I said: Brad, think about it, Stan is not an ungulate. He might take it the wrong way... That was my out. He bought it. And it's actually kinda true. I’m beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to make nice with Brad. It was just Arby’s for Chrissake!